It's a Wonderful Grief
I know it isn’t my first time using “It’s a Wonderful Life” as a reference, but here we are…
I’m in it.
Deep in it.
The profound, exhausting, eye-opening grief of losing someone so vital to my life - that I have no real words to capture the ways it makes me feel. Feeling lost has become the norm- while I continue to strive to find things that will not only distract, but also conjure some happy emotions. I have found it heart breaking and fascinating that my brain can’t seem to fathom the concept of ‘gone forever’.
I start with all this out of the gate to say - I have made some big changes. Some that many might look at the think: “What the hell is that lady thinking?” - and honestly I have even thought that myself many times in the last couple months - it’s freaking scary - and it’s also exhilarating!
After 13 years in my steady, supportive, and satisfying (at times) role in Corporate America - I have thrown caution to the wind and finally taken a step sideways to seek the things the really set my heart on fire.
I have been reflecting a lot on a previous loss in my life, when I was 3 years into my degree about 15 years ago - and the steps I took then.
I slept - a lot. Like arguably too much. I would drive 45 minutes to school, just to sleep through all my classes on the quiet floor in the library. I’d drive back home, and continue the routine a couple days later.
I realized that the path I was on didn’t feel quite right - and made the drastic decision to change course. After 3 years into my Political Science degree - I shifted focus and…
I leaned on creativity to process and heal. I withdrew from all courses related to my major, and instead signed up for every art class I could. Drawing, Ceramics, 2D design, Painting - and my goodness I had SO much fun. It was arguably a time where I was the best student I had ever been.
It’s funny how it took me a few weeks to realize that I was repeating a pattern. I think there is a lot we can learn about ourselves by paying attention to our patterns and habits.
By allowing myself as much rest as I needed, consciously throwing aside any feelings of guilt, and swatting away the ‘coulds & shoulds’, I have slowly started to feel more like myself.
I was able to make one of the hardest decisions of my career and stepped away from a role that I quite honestly never thought I’d be capable of having in the first place. A role that brought me so much pride, that taught me so much, and that gave me so many amazing opportunities and experiences. Choosing to trust that what is meant for me will come with time, is not easy. It’s taking dedicated effort to believe this. However, as I remind myself of the things I desire in my life and career - I know that it is through the culmination of little decisions I make over time, that my life will start to unfold as it should.
And I am once again leaning into my fondness of creativity to process and heal all that this last year has brought my way. Making for my own enjoyment, making as gifts for those I love, and recently opening up my availability to create modern heirlooms for those that desire them (which you can find here).
Just like that - 1. 2. 3.
I’ll be over here healing, shaking shit up, and connecting to others in a myriad of different ways that bring me joy and sustenance.
“Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun. ”